Introspection

I haven’t posted on my blog for quite a while. I’ve kept meaning to. I’ve even started a few posts, but they just haven’t happened.

I’ve intended to write about things that I’ve been doing. Marshalling at the Chelmsford marathon, visiting the Essex Country Show at Barleylands Farm, clearing and replanting the beds in my garden, buying locally sourced food, my knee, being a misper (missing person) for Search Dogs Essex, Dawn’s and my trip to London at the start of our monthly get to know our capital city outings, my training, watching the guys from Club One Hundred at the Nuclear Races ……. These are all things that I’ve really enjoyed but, somehow, I just couldn’t get it together to sit and write about them.

I seem to have got busier and busier (my voluntary work has also been very busy) and, as usual, I haven’t known when to stop and I’ve pushed myself too far!

How do I know? Well, I’ve got more and more tired, I’ve been having the my life is shit thoughts, I’ve found being a carer more difficult than usual, I’ve been unreasonable, verging on the tearful. and then …….. on Saturday ………. I started to eat!

When I say ‘started to eat’ that is really a bit of an understatement. Gorging would probably be a better word. I just kept opening my mouth and force feeding myself with cakes, biscuits, sweets, more cakes, more biscuits, a proper meal, more cakes, more sweets …… are you getting the idea?

Did I feel full? Yes.

Did I feel sick? Yes

Did I feel sorry for myself? Yes

Could I stop? No!

Have you ever heard of Mr. Creosote? That is what I felt like. I just could not stop eating even though I felt awful!

(If not, be warned, do not Google him and watch the video unless you have a very strong stomach)

Mr creosote

 

 

 

 

 

Mind you, there are similarities to the ‘old’ me.

 

If you have never experienced this you are probably shocked and can’t understand it. Don’t worry, I struggle too!

But I’ve thought about it a lot and I think I’ve got a bit more insight into it …. and me!

You know how people talk about Astrology and how the planets, which are always there, have to be aligned in a certain way for things to happen? Well I think that life, well my life anyway, is a bit like that!

Years ago I had depression, it was reactive depression after Ray’s stroke and my mother’s death.

I think that this was reactive eating! Sounds flippant but I don’t mean it to be.

I’m strong ….. this time I mean emotionally! I’m quite tough and resiliant. I’m definitely a glass is half full sort of person, but occasionally all the strength of will in the world doesn’t quite cut it!

Being a carer, correction, being the sole carer, for someone is not easy. I was asked recently what I’d have liked to have known when I started to be a carer. That was easy, how long would it last? If I’d known then that I’d still be doing it after 26 years would I have still taken it on?

My knee, I now know that I have ‘moderate degenerative change (arthritis) and a large Baker’s cyst. Hmmm. Age related huh? No quick minor op, clear it all out, instant solution stuff here. As the weather has changed I’m having to acknowledge that the pains I get deep in my wrists are arthritis too. This getting older lark isn’t all fun! This does mean that I’m doing no ‘legs’. I’m really missing my long walks where I’d wander off for hours. It’s also putting my plan to do the London Marathon in 2016 into limbo at the moment.

Getting tired. Let’s face it, I haven’t been doing THAT much! Yes I’ve been busy, but I’m probably only out doing stuff for about 6 hours a day and a lot of that is in the car or sitting. I have to accept that I still get fatigue from the M.S. It isn’t like ordinary tiredness, it’s as if someone has detached me from the power supply and my back up batteries have failed! The 5 minute eye closing sessions turn into two hour sleeps!

The days are getting darker, making me feel ‘trapped’ indoors. Yes, I’ve also realised that I have Seasonal Adjustive Disorder!

Christmas is coming, one of the ‘family’ times of the year that are guaranteed to get me down and make me more aware of what was missed out on in those 26 years.

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Going over all of this is only of any use if I use  it to inform how I move forward!

I am strong, I am resilient and I will bounce back. (To be honest I already am or I wouldn’t be able to write this post!)

There are some things that I cannot change and have to accept (see The Serenity Prayer) but there are others that I can and, over the years, I have developed the wisdom to tell the difference!

I’m not able to stop being a carer, I can’t stop getting older (well I could but that would be sort of counter productive to the point of this really), I cannot make the hours of daylight longer and Christmas will happen ….. just like the other trigger dates do.

So what CAN I do?

I can stop thinking about my knee and what it may stop me from doing until after seeing the  physio and working through what they have to offer (and then there’s the possibilities of injections and surgery still to be considered. In fact it may all be fine for 2016! I can still train, I’m doing loads of upper body stuff and can see the changes in my body. When I’m training I am happy!

I can remind myself that I need to take rest times and that I can do ALL of the things that I want to do I just need to spread them out a bit more evenly!

I can take my supplements and get outside as much as possible in daylight hours and remind myself that every day brings us one day closer to the Shortest Day and then we’re en route for Spring.

Enjoy the things I’m going to in the lead up to Christmas!

Yes I am an emotional eater.

Does it make me feel better? NO!

Will it happen again? Almost certainly.

When I was moaning about how I’ve been feeling since the gorging episode a friend told me that I was having a food hangover and that it would pass. I’d never heard of that but she was absolutely right. It was as bad as any hangover I’ve ever had and, like them, it was self inflicted and deserved no sympathy!

But the next time I can feel it coming on I hope I will have the sense to look back at this and try to divert myself.

Today has been a good nutrition and training day and, guess what, I feel so much better for it!  Writing this has kept me away from the evening munchies – my worst time.

Here’s to tomorrow, I can do this!

And who knows, I may one day get round to writing about the other stuff     :-\

8 responses to “Introspection”

  1. You can definitely do this & there are a number of things you’ve pointed out that you have now realised during this down time. So that’s a positive. Not long till the shortest day & as you say then we’re on for spring.

    You’re doing a great job. xxxxx

  2. Haha, don’t worry when you get to 70 they let you have a total knee replacement, and whilst your waiting the body throws up other things to make you eat, hope you soon get over this episode, sounds all very familiar to me, treat yourself to a steak and get back on track. Coming to terms with having to take a rest for a while doesn’t come easy, as the brains is always rearing to go, what’s that saying, spirit is strong but the flesh is weak, but only for this week, next week you’ll be back.

  3. Oh how I have missed your posts! The ‘thing’ is Gill, I don’t really believe you know how much they help others. So much of what you write, I can relate to. Clearly not the carer part, but, the emotional eating, ( I can go from gerkins to chocolate cake with cream to a roast beef sarnie and back to a pack of sweets on a low day….easily 😦 ) and the dark days too…yuk. You are strong, we are strong characters, but, every now and then, we have a ‘blip’ and I have learnt that that is bloody ok too. Looking forward to the next post for whatever it brings! Thanks again x

  4. Were we separated at birth? Oh yes….. I am the queen of self sabotage just the same as you. I am injured and can’t train much, no running; it is driving me insane! But thank you for that blog, I needed to read it, I need to hear it, I need to move on from it.

    • Lol Linda that’s why I write these. There are loads of us about and, hopefully, other people will be able to understand us a bit more! X

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